I know in my heart of hearts there are people watching and rooting for me to get out of this knowing I am terrified and unsure of my ability to make it happen or sustain it even if I do and I am scared of any potential solution because I am so used to the danger at this point it’s become background noise. I want you to know I see your supportive posts and feel your energy and I am constantly trying to make the jump and backing away too nervous to do it but I know my dog ray bradbury says we’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down. I know I can build my wings even though I am scared shitless I just need to overcome the fear and make the jump. one day.
been saying that to myself in a british accent all day
also keep delving into a mock southern accent
literally all of my accents are fake I feel like the southern ones sound the realest and forget people don’t know me and probably think I am legit slipping into some real accent or that I sound super ignant (a fallacy for ppl with real southern accents and shameful that we as a society have typecast them as such) but I do it so much lately and am like ohhh yeah ppl don’t know I do 700 voices at random without realizing and I miss being around ppl who do know me
not that I owe anyone an explanation but it’s not ozempic it’s literally a diet of ongoing stress and trauma I am under severe circumstances at all times and constantly feel like I might die soon
if I am suddenly hanging out at your shows or performing or doing literally anything at all it’s because I feel like I might die tomorrow and am like well better get some last days in before I kick it
literally wish I was kidding
not suicidal just feel like I might die soon
I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me I would rather die than garner fake sympathy but I am also deeply sad and alone and feel like I have no one in this jail cell
also it’s like yeah ppl are kind of mean and rude and it’s whatever like what can you do? just keep on trucking bc I will probably be dead soon anyway so who cares
evil is such a cartoonish concept I know they are mostly weak and fragile children broken apart roaming inside of adult bodies looking for answers they will never find in places they don’t belong and along the way they hurt people in ways that are malignant to the human spirit at large and it costs everything even when it is invisible to the naked eye the all seeing one can map out every detail and the repercussions they face are much more painful to bear witness than the original crimes itself. or like uhh whatever
in second grade i almost got kicked out of school for reading people’s palms and predicting their second marriages catholic school was very against me telling kids they were getting divorced i wrote about it into a short story that i never finished or posted but i probably will soonish. literally traumatized from foreseeing too much.
i know in my heart i have always known how to read palms but i also start channeling during the process in a way that feels uncontrollable where i’m like oh and by the way your dead father wants you to stop drinking yourself into oblivion and that he’s sorry about the baseball game when you were eight. like bitch WHAT i need to just go back to basics and stop overthinking it but also have you ever known me to not overthink? also palms are so intense even the basic info is mostly roasting you and your personality like well jim you are shitty in relationships you don’t know how to be generous in love or money and your emotional trauma is setting you back in life to a degree that is debilitating you in ways you can’t see until it’s too late. like literally just going to say you’re going to live in a house by the sea and win the lottery inshallah.
teaching my kindergarten class like y'all will never get the surrealism and mania that was 2004 it’s just like a vibe that cannot be recaptured or reproduced we were gods
jk i am way too spiritually sanitized to fuck randos at this point in life but most of y'all will never understand the plight of being the horniest nun in the gulf coast region
i have a similar “just one drag” response to smelling sausage when riding my bike through the city i am always tempted to pull over and get a dawg. also want to start an all lesbian band called sausage relapse. anyway the body aches are so much worse after the second day of an accident but i did ride home without any issue i am just so tired and sun drained and everything is hell and i am tired of not having a person to experience the horrors alongside with even though i know in my hawrt this is a period of healing and growth (going to start fucking a bunch of people in rotation + refuse to ever settle down)
